Happiness?

Lately, I've been asking myself this question alot ;-

"Am I.. happy?"

I've pondered a lot on this. Especially during those long LRT rides back home with sad music playing in my earphones. Jaded faces all around me, each reflecting on their own individual stories.

I know i am blessed, and I'm never not grateful to Allah SWT for all that He has showered me with. But I've come to a conclusion, that staying within my comfort zone for so long is slowly, but surely eating me up inside.


This past year, 2018, has probably been the most stagnant year of my life. It was just a routine of going to class, coming back home (sprinkle some household drama here and there).

Maybe it's my fault. Because maybe I didn't push myself hard enough. I didn't force myself to step outside my comfort zone. I settled for comfort. And in the end, I can't seem to leave my own comfort zone anymore.


I also miss the person I used to be, back in degree life in UK. Back then, I was THAT person who'd be busy 24/7. Constantly rushing off to join some volunteer work, some odd jobs with the university and join any student events going on.

Yes, I was busy. I was tired. But... I was happy.


See the difference between that Natasha and this Natasha is that she wasn't afraid to take risks. She would just throw herself in the new environment and learn from the experience. I miss me.

I do question myself a lot on why I've become this way. One excuse that always comes up is that "this isn't your passion". Yes, I'm currently studying for CLP. But I've never been 100% sure that I want to practice law. But on hindsight, I'm wondering now, do i really not want to practice law because i don't have the passion for it, is it simply because i'm afraid? 

I read this the other day on Twitter and it really hit me hard.

Last night I went to a group discussion. There was an entrepreneur there who said something that stuck to me: The opposite of passion is self-entitlement. Entitled people don't do shit, and they don't get shit done. They just wait and demand things come to them.

It hit me hard because I realized that's who I've become. A self-entitled piece of shit.

Ok fine,
maybe not that bad. But i do realize now, that I've sort of just been sitting around waiting for my life to get better without actually taking action about it.



It's time for a wake-up call. 

Happiness is a choice.

There's got to be more to life than this, and i'm going to find in. InsyaAllah. 

11/10/2018

A bed, that only yesterday, you laid.

A room, that only yesterday, was filled with the buzzing sounds of the face mask, heavy breathing, and an air of silent concern.

Everything is silent now.


On 11/10/2018, at 10.30 am, a strong and resilient woman whom I am proud to call my grandmother, has returned to Allah SWT.


Truly, the past one year and more has been a constant battle between nenek and her health. As her immune system weakened, and her organs deteriorated, one thing, that never faltered from my beautiful grandmother was her fighting spirit.

Through the immense pain she felt, she was still able to give a bright smile to anyone who visits her in the hospital. In her fragile state, she was always still trying her best to please those around her. Her smile, the reassuring squeeze when she gave when you held her hand... she was always so strong.


If there is one thing, that I have learnt from watching my grandma battle her illness this past one year, is to never give up.


Even when the odds are against you, never give up.


Although, you are no longer with us, nenek, i'm sure you were aware by how much you are loved by everyone around you. From atuk, to your children, grandchildren and everyone else, you are loved and adored.


I can only hope to touch as many lives as you have done, nenek.


Life is fleeting.


But because of that, make the most of it. Live your life, with passion, with love and most of all, with gratefulness.


Goodbye, nenek. Love you always.

InsyaAllah, may we meet again in the hereafter.