Lately, I've been asking myself this question alot ;-
"Am I.. happy?"
I've pondered a lot on this. Especially during those long LRT rides back home with sad music playing in my earphones. Jaded faces all around me, each reflecting on their own individual stories.
I know i am blessed, and I'm never not grateful to Allah SWT for all that He has showered me with. But I've come to a conclusion, that staying within my comfort zone for so long is slowly, but surely eating me up inside.
This past year, 2018, has probably been the most stagnant year of my life. It was just a routine of going to class, coming back home (sprinkle some household drama here and there).
Maybe it's my fault. Because maybe I didn't push myself hard enough. I didn't force myself to step outside my comfort zone. I settled for comfort. And in the end, I can't seem to leave my own comfort zone anymore.
I also miss the person I used to be, back in degree life in UK. Back then, I was THAT person who'd be busy 24/7. Constantly rushing off to join some volunteer work, some odd jobs with the university and join any student events going on.
Yes, I was busy. I was tired. But... I was happy.
See the difference between that Natasha and this Natasha is that she wasn't afraid to take risks. She would just throw herself in the new environment and learn from the experience. I miss me.
I do question myself a lot on why I've become this way. One excuse that always comes up is that "this isn't your passion". Yes, I'm currently studying for CLP. But I've never been 100% sure that I want to practice law. But on hindsight, I'm wondering now, do i really not want to practice law because i don't have the passion for it, is it simply because i'm afraid?
I know i am blessed, and I'm never not grateful to Allah SWT for all that He has showered me with. But I've come to a conclusion, that staying within my comfort zone for so long is slowly, but surely eating me up inside.
This past year, 2018, has probably been the most stagnant year of my life. It was just a routine of going to class, coming back home (sprinkle some household drama here and there).
Maybe it's my fault. Because maybe I didn't push myself hard enough. I didn't force myself to step outside my comfort zone. I settled for comfort. And in the end, I can't seem to leave my own comfort zone anymore.
I also miss the person I used to be, back in degree life in UK. Back then, I was THAT person who'd be busy 24/7. Constantly rushing off to join some volunteer work, some odd jobs with the university and join any student events going on.
Yes, I was busy. I was tired. But... I was happy.
See the difference between that Natasha and this Natasha is that she wasn't afraid to take risks. She would just throw herself in the new environment and learn from the experience. I miss me.
I do question myself a lot on why I've become this way. One excuse that always comes up is that "this isn't your passion". Yes, I'm currently studying for CLP. But I've never been 100% sure that I want to practice law. But on hindsight, I'm wondering now, do i really not want to practice law because i don't have the passion for it, is it simply because i'm afraid?
I read this the other day on Twitter and it really hit me hard.
It hit me hard because I realized that's who I've become. A self-entitled piece of shit.
Last night I went to a group discussion. There was an entrepreneur there who said something that stuck to me: The opposite of passion is self-entitlement. Entitled people don't do shit, and they don't get shit done. They just wait and demand things come to them.
Ok fine,
maybe not that bad. But i do realize now, that I've sort of just been sitting around waiting for my life to get better without actually taking action about it.
It's time for a wake-up call.
maybe not that bad. But i do realize now, that I've sort of just been sitting around waiting for my life to get better without actually taking action about it.
It's time for a wake-up call.
Happiness is a choice.
There's got to be more to life than this, and i'm going to find in. InsyaAllah.
There's got to be more to life than this, and i'm going to find in. InsyaAllah.
No comments:
Post a Comment