For Gung Gung (grandfather)

an empty seat.

It is on that exact seat, where I would see you spend most of your time. Reading your Chinese newspaper, taking your naps, resting before going to fetch Danny back and forth from his school or tuitions..  You were always so comfortable in that place.. But now, it is nothing but an empty seat.

We were never really very close as we had a typical awkward grandfather-granddaughter relationship. Generation gap kept us from conversing naturally and frequently. Plus, there was a communication barrier between us as I was fluent in English and you were fluent in Chinese. Hence, we had to communicate in an in-between language that was malay. Still, it touched me to see you try and make an effort to talk to me. You would ask me how was my day when I returned from somewhere, buy snacks for all the kids whenever you had money to spare and ask me to teach you how to handle your handphone. And for awhile, we would hold a conversation..

It was during the year 2012, where I really got to know you better. I was fresh out of high school and needed transport to take fetch me to my part-time job. Also, I needed transport to fetch me to my driving center since I was having driving lessons back then. Initially, those car trips with you was awkward as we didn't really have much to talk about, but over time, we grew more comfortable with each other's presence. In fact, you even shared with me some driving tips and how driving was so different back in your time. I enjoyed listening to your stories. I felt happy that finally, I was beginning to form a relationship with my Gung Gung.

One year flew by to quickly.. just when I was beginning to know you better, you had to leave. To be honest, I am still in shock now. It's as if reality has not really sink in yet. Gung Gung is gone now. Those are just words to me, but they have no meaning. I keep expecting you to still be alive, in the hospital, and getting better day by day. But now.. its too late.

You were always so strong to me. Even despite your age, you were healthy and fit. You could carry things around and do odd jobs around the house (though sometimes you spoilt things in the process >.<). That is why, it is such a shock to me that you have left. Then again, I should have mentally prepared myself. After you suffered your first fall in January 2013, your condition detoriated rapidly, suddenly it was as if disease led to another disease. I begin to see a different side of you.. and it broke my heart. It was like you lost a big part of you. Losing your ability to take care of yourself must have been so hard on you. I wish I took the time to talk to you, ask you how your day was, like you did to me all those years back. Even when you got rushed to hospital, I was not so worried. I guess I was still in denial that you were very sick. To me, I was so sure that you were going to recover soon. Then you would be your old happy self again. I was wrong.

My biggest regret is not taking more effort to talk to you, I know that I am in Shah Alam most of the time for college. But I guess I should have converse with you more during the weekends when I'm home. And now it's too late. Too late. Those two words that can make me tear up because I feel so much regret. I did not even have the chance to wish you goodbye. My two last memories of you was during Chinese New Year when you looked so pleased to see me wear cheongsam for the first time. And my last memory of you, was when you fell down again. Kakak and I had to support you and rest you on the pillow. That was before you got sent to the hospital. If only I had known then, I would have asked you take care.. at least talked to you a little before you went to the hospital. Because now, that will always be my final memory of you.

When I returned home from college yesterday, I received the news around 6pm that you had to enter the emergency ward again. I was calm. "What could happen?" I remembered thinking. Then around 9 pm, the house phone rang. When it was papa on the other line, I felt the first feeling of panic. Then papa said on the phone softly "Dik, Gung Gung has passed away..".



All your belongings is packed up by popo earlier. She puts up a tough front, but deep down, I can tell she is just as sad as the rest of us that you are gone. Danny cried this morning when he heard the news.. Even though all your things have officially left the house to be transported to Ipoh to your family. Your memories here will not die. Thank you Gung Gung, for everything you have done for us. I know I have never said to you this before, but I really appreciate you and I will miss you so much. I hope you are in a better place now.

Rest In Peace.

I was never great with goodbyes.

I once heard a saying that goes like this "Sometimes, being a brother, is even better than being a superhero". But if you knew a person like my brother, I'd say they got that quote all messed up. It should have went like this "Sometimes, having a brother is even better than having a superhero".

Thing is, words cannot even begin to describe the relationship between me and my abang. We fight, we play,  we gossip (yes even my brother does that :p) but most importantly, we truly care for each other and look out for each other. When I first got to know that my brother was flying off to Manchester Uni in UK. I felt... nothing. Its like I was still in a bubble you know? Refusing to believe that my abang is flying off miles and miles away for a long long time. Then, as days gradually crept closer to M-day. Mon Day. Mikhail-flying-off Day. I felt the bubble slowly getting weaker. I allowed myself to imagine what life at home would be without kacau-ing my abang, without my own personal driver (oh no! I'd probably have to learn how to drive the car now!), and without just the general presence of a big brother in the house.I felt really... sad. Don't take this wrong bang, I'm really happy you managed to get this chance to continue your studies overseas, just that, I'll really miss you.

Anyway, bang, since I'm sure they are days where you'll feel really homesick in UK, I decided to be the ever-helpful sister I am, and compile a few awesome memorable memories of us together. Starting since, the beginning. Toddler-hood.

TODDLER-HOOD

Of course, this story has already been told by my brother to several people many many times over the years. But for old times sake, let me just blog about it still :P As a baby, I admit I did have a violent streak in me. I enjoyed  biting my brother really hard. Hard enough to leave marks that will last the whole day, only to fade off just in time before mama and papa got back from work in the evening. I call it skills :D Anyway, the biting continued alot during my itchy-growing-teeth period.Despite my brother's endless complain to my parents about my biting, they never believed him. Number One : he had no proof (marks fade before parents return from work) and Number Two : One look at my innocent baby face and my parents will never believe that I can do violence >:)

But one fateful day, I accidently lose control of myself and bit my brother with EXTRA HARD force. This caused a deeper-than-usual mark on my brother. And by evening when my parents returned home from work, the mark was still there. That was the epic day when my brother finally had evidence to support his case. I was guilty as charged and receive scoldings from my parents that night. Finally, in the battle between Abang Vs. Adik, abang won -____- *sorry if this paragraph sounded very lawyer-ish to you,  future lawyer in the making here! heheheh*

However, this was not the only time abang got scolded because of me. There was this one time we had a race in our old house. Because I could only crawl, while my brother already had the ability to run on two legs, he was way ahead of me. When my brother reached the finish line, he noticed I was missing! So he went back across the 'track' and found out I had hit my head on the edge of a wall while crawling too fast. I was bleeding and well, let's just say I still have that scar on my eyebrow until now :( anyway, our maid put all the blame on abang and claimed that he had pushed me. When mama&papa got home that night, abang was in alot of trouble. 

My point is, abang got into alot of trouble because of me when we were younger. And well, I guess I just want to tell you thank you, bang. I guess I was too young then to understand the trouble I got you into, but now, I'd like to take this oppoturnity before you fly off to say sorry.

:')

CHILD-HOOD

As we both grew up, the dynamic of our relationship also grew. I had long since grew out my teeth and stopped biting my brother for fun.Yes, we'd still have sibling fights now and then (ones the involved kicking, punching and.. biting xD) but we also learnt to help out each other. There was always this unspoken rule in the house that whoever that breaks one of mama's glass ornaments, will kena.. THE ROTAN when mama gets home from work. So whenever one of us accidently breaks mama's glass ornaments, we'd never rat out each other. After all, one does not simply break the Sibling Code 101 : Never tell on each other to your parents. Mama while eventually find out the culprit herself using her killer sharp mother instincts.

Here's a random memory that cracks me up everytime! Do you guys know that there was this one time I made me brother laugh SO HARD during lunch that he actually VOMITED out all his food! O__O Heck, even I was surprised of my comedic ability. Either I'm really funny, or my brother laughs too easily. But mama got so mad that she made abang clean up his own vomit on the floor afterwards. TEEHEE ^^

Other than that, my brother and I also shared awesome padang sessions that lasted from 5pm to 7pm. We'd cycle to our neighborhood padang and played lots of kinds of catching games with our friends there. The most famous game being 'Dinosaur' that my brother and I introduced to our neighbourhood friends. Hehehe *feels proud* I gotta say, those padang sessions were the highlight of my childhod :')

TEENAGE-HOOD

Then came teenage-hood were my brother and I bonded further. We'd discuss deeper issues other than games and toys and instead, talk about life and family. Those were our gossip sessions. Muahahahahah. We'd do all this during our supposedly 'study time' :P Honestly, we were supposed to study but most of the time my brother and I would just talk or write down random funny stories and let each other read it. Of course, abang also played his big brother role well and taught me the things I didn't understand at school. Honestly, I really miss those 'study-sessions' I shared with my brother. Once high school ended, so did those session together...

Once abang finished high school, we entered a new phase. The phase where abang was hardly home anymore. First, he was selected for NS and so he was missing from home for 3 months! I only got to see him during the weekends when I visited him. That was the first taste I had of life without abang. I really missed him, but I knew in the future there will be plenty more moments like this. And true enough, after that,  abang received scholarship to study medicine and was placed in Kolej Mara Banting.  Again, we only got to see him during weekends. You may think that being far apart from abang and not seeing him so often would make us drift apart. But then the most amazing thing happen, we bonded further. My brother and I can talk about just anything! I realized that the distance, made us realize how precious time spent with each other and the family actually is. Now we cherish every minute with each other.

.......................................

Well, I don't want this post to be too long. To end it, you are and always have been an amazing brother, bang. I am so proud of you. You inspire me to be a better person in every way, I'm always in awe of your confidence in public speaking/debate and such. You have taught me and the family to be thankful to God. For after all, we are just mere humans. I love you very very much and I as much as I hate to admit it, I will miss you to bits when you fly off! Our family won't be able to see you during the weekends anymore, now probably only during big semester breaks. PS- I have a feeling that thanks to you, all my holidays for the next 4 years will only be to the same destination : UK =__=

Please take care and be safe in UK. Don't slack and remember to study hard. I hope you will always remember to keep in touch and call mama and papa often, you know how much they miss us children when we're not home. If you ever get sad or lonely, you can always skype or call the family, cause we'll always be there for you! Remember, distance means so little when someone means so much.

Goodbye, my superhero!

With lots of love,
Your beautiful adik